Holy Mary Mother of God

Most of the time I'm pretty content with my rationalizations about God and all that good stuff. I don't believe in hell, most "rules" in the Bible and other religious documents are subject to time and culture and social change and that's why there are many religions rather than just one.

I'm a little shaky on the whole Jesus thing...I kind of like to think God knew what was going on from the beginning. I don't think God steps in, but I really hope that every now and again an exception can be made for any one who asks. Which changes the Jesus thing.

I hope God's a she, or a ball of light, or a black hole with Morgan Freeman's voice because it's as close to a real hug as a voice can come. I don't believe God punishes people...ever, even if they don't believe. I don't believe being gay is wrong or sinful, because if God gave us anything it's the desire to look for love wherever it may reside.

I think God knows how difficult it is to have faith, and on some level has to appreciate those who have a hard time mustering enough faith all the time, and those who throw themselves head long into the religious abyss looking for some kind of reassurance. I think the soul is that little piece that will always wonder, but also instinctively knows right from wrong, even if it's hard to interpret. Truly good people never know they're good, evil people know it right from the beginning.

But every now and again, I feel this little niggling in the back of my mind. Sometimes it tells me it's all meaningless. There's no way to know, and there's no purpose in trying to explain it or accept it. Faith is just a form of escapism, trying to fend off our responsibilities to ourselves, to life and to other people. Even as we raise it up as a blessing.

Then other times, I really want it to be exactly how it says in any of the inspired religious texts. Pick one, it doesn't matter, I just want it to be true, and I just want to believe it. I wish there was one that was more inclusive, but beggars can't be choosers. I would love to have guidelines, no gray area, just black and white, right and wrong, yes and no, none of this maybe, sometimes, what if, garbage.

People like me never know anything. We just think and dream and wonder and hope and not pray, we never pray. We blame ourselves for everything, because who else is there? We run from success and failure because either alternative demands too much of a stance on any particular thing and the possibility of an undesirable outcome is almost too much to take. The thought of making things worse is horrifying, and the thought of making things better is a wonderful fantasy. A fantasy we fully recognize as just that. A thought, a dream, a wish, a hope, but not a prayer, never a prayer.