Most of the time I'm pretty content with my rationalizations about God and all that good stuff. I don't believe in hell, most "rules" in the Bible and other religious documents are subject to time and culture and social change and that's why there are many religions rather than just one.
I'm a little shaky on the whole Jesus thing...I kind of like to think God knew what was going on from the beginning. I don't think God steps in, but I really hope that every now and again an exception can be made for any one who asks. Which changes the Jesus thing.
I hope God's a she, or a ball of light, or a black hole with Morgan Freeman's voice because it's as close to a real hug as a voice can come. I don't believe God punishes people...ever, even if they don't believe. I don't believe being gay is wrong or sinful, because if God gave us anything it's the desire to look for love wherever it may reside.
I think God knows how difficult it is to have faith, and on some level has to appreciate those who have a hard time mustering enough faith all the time, and those who throw themselves head long into the religious abyss looking for some kind of reassurance. I think the soul is that little piece that will always wonder, but also instinctively knows right from wrong, even if it's hard to interpret. Truly good people never know they're good, evil people know it right from the beginning.
But every now and again, I feel this little niggling in the back of my mind. Sometimes it tells me it's all meaningless. There's no way to know, and there's no purpose in trying to explain it or accept it. Faith is just a form of escapism, trying to fend off our responsibilities to ourselves, to life and to other people. Even as we raise it up as a blessing.
Then other times, I really want it to be exactly how it says in any of the inspired religious texts. Pick one, it doesn't matter, I just want it to be true, and I just want to believe it. I wish there was one that was more inclusive, but beggars can't be choosers. I would love to have guidelines, no gray area, just black and white, right and wrong, yes and no, none of this maybe, sometimes, what if, garbage.
People like me never know anything. We just think and dream and wonder and hope and not pray, we never pray. We blame ourselves for everything, because who else is there? We run from success and failure because either alternative demands too much of a stance on any particular thing and the possibility of an undesirable outcome is almost too much to take. The thought of making things worse is horrifying, and the thought of making things better is a wonderful fantasy. A fantasy we fully recognize as just that. A thought, a dream, a wish, a hope, but not a prayer, never a prayer.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
As Requested
I'm Back. From where? I don't know, but I'm back.
I have a new job. I'm officially moving back to Grand Forks. Technically, I'm already here, it's just my stuff that isn't, and really, who needs stuff. I have enough stuff to live perfectly comfortably in two places with just the transfer of a few outfits and my iPod. Now, of course, I would not be me if my whole car wasn't filled, so I often transport things that just never leave the car. A garbage bag of socks is one of those things. All of the jackets I own, granola bars, a two drawer dresser thing from Target, onion rings, a grocery bag of DVDs. I'm not gonna lie, a lot of the stuff has been in there since Iowa in Sept. I wish I could just shake the car out, like you do a rug.
Since I have a new job I was thinking of buying a car, but who am I kidding? I'm broke. This being said, I may get my parent's van, which would be...awesome. I can't decide if that's sarcastic or not. I wanted a station wagon, like a Subaru or something, but one less payment is fine by me, and in the summer I could technically live in it if need be. Hopefully it will not come to that, but I like the idea of knowing I have somewhere to sleep that does not rely on anyone else, just in case.
This was problem when I first arrived in GF. There were some weekends when the hotel was booked, so I slept in my car in the hotel parking lot when I had to work the overnights. It was usually only from 8-2 or three, then in the afternoon I'd a get a room again, but still. I may act like a gypsy but it ain't in my blood. I like having somewhere to go rather than going somewhere because it's the only place to go. My car and I have been to hell and back a couple of times together, so feel badly abandoning it, but I would feel much worse if all the tires fall off while I'm driving it, or the radiator just exploded. Both are quite likely to occur. Just the last time I went to the cities I had to pull over twice between here and Fargo to fiddle with the plugs and such so the speedometer would stay in place. I'd set the cruise for 75 and all of a sudden the arm thing would jump to 90, then back down to 60, which would then kick of the cruise. Very annoying. So there's me on the side of the Interstate (read freeway), no coat, I don't like to wear them on long drives so it was in the back seat, my Michael Jackson pants, hunched over the engine trying to see if anything's loose by just grabbing and wiggling stuff around.
Anyway, like I said, new job. It's nice actually, a very good job. Full state benefits, 25k a year, pretty laid back since I'm the one in charge, I kind of come and go as I please, without over stepping my bounds. Can't take advantage of the fact that no one knows what you're doing or someone will start noticing what you're doing. That's why the last lady got FIRED. I put that in caps because she claims she resigned, but it's a lie. She sucked. She was dumb. She was dirty. She was old (not in itself a problem, but she made it so). She was let go. I have my own office, I supervise student workers, I have keys to the building and all the doors, I have a voice mail with my name on it, my name is even up on directory that's in a glass case when you walk into the building. I just put AMY, haha. Soon I'll be like Madonna, and Cher, Beck, Beyonce, Bjork, Coolio, Bono and Elvis.
If only it wasn't in North Dakota. Puke. That's a deal breaker, and would have been if I could have found anything in the cities. I guess I did find CC debt collecting, and I almost did it, but I just sort of pretended it wasn't an option and let it pass me by. I did go to the interview and learned some interesting things: If you're ever behind in payments and you've got collectors calling (not the card itself) tell them you've already got a lawyer (give them a random lawyers name from the phone book) and are pursuing bankruptcy. That company will never call again - you might have another company call, but not the same one. Everything they say is a trick to scare you, "Has a law suit every been presented to you in the past?"
Let's see...still mourning Michael Jackson. Just changed my desktop to the lean in Smooth Criminal today. Another awesome thing about having an office...I can decorate it. It still has to be professional obviously, but I could get some nice framed photos of all my favorites. I bought a clock from Office Max that's made out of a recycled Warren Zevon record for $5! Course it doesn't work, which is why it was on clearance, but it looks awesome. Still thinking about what I'm going to substitute for the kids photos everyone always has at their desk. I don't have kids, so who's will I borrow? I thought about MJ's but that's creepy even for me. I think I'll just use the one's that come with the frame and when people ask, are those you're kids? I'll just say no, I don't know who's they are.
I have to go set up a film for one of the professors who isn't here, perhaps I'll think of more to write by the time I'm done.
I have a new job. I'm officially moving back to Grand Forks. Technically, I'm already here, it's just my stuff that isn't, and really, who needs stuff. I have enough stuff to live perfectly comfortably in two places with just the transfer of a few outfits and my iPod. Now, of course, I would not be me if my whole car wasn't filled, so I often transport things that just never leave the car. A garbage bag of socks is one of those things. All of the jackets I own, granola bars, a two drawer dresser thing from Target, onion rings, a grocery bag of DVDs. I'm not gonna lie, a lot of the stuff has been in there since Iowa in Sept. I wish I could just shake the car out, like you do a rug.
Since I have a new job I was thinking of buying a car, but who am I kidding? I'm broke. This being said, I may get my parent's van, which would be...awesome. I can't decide if that's sarcastic or not. I wanted a station wagon, like a Subaru or something, but one less payment is fine by me, and in the summer I could technically live in it if need be. Hopefully it will not come to that, but I like the idea of knowing I have somewhere to sleep that does not rely on anyone else, just in case.
This was problem when I first arrived in GF. There were some weekends when the hotel was booked, so I slept in my car in the hotel parking lot when I had to work the overnights. It was usually only from 8-2 or three, then in the afternoon I'd a get a room again, but still. I may act like a gypsy but it ain't in my blood. I like having somewhere to go rather than going somewhere because it's the only place to go. My car and I have been to hell and back a couple of times together, so feel badly abandoning it, but I would feel much worse if all the tires fall off while I'm driving it, or the radiator just exploded. Both are quite likely to occur. Just the last time I went to the cities I had to pull over twice between here and Fargo to fiddle with the plugs and such so the speedometer would stay in place. I'd set the cruise for 75 and all of a sudden the arm thing would jump to 90, then back down to 60, which would then kick of the cruise. Very annoying. So there's me on the side of the Interstate (read freeway), no coat, I don't like to wear them on long drives so it was in the back seat, my Michael Jackson pants, hunched over the engine trying to see if anything's loose by just grabbing and wiggling stuff around.
Anyway, like I said, new job. It's nice actually, a very good job. Full state benefits, 25k a year, pretty laid back since I'm the one in charge, I kind of come and go as I please, without over stepping my bounds. Can't take advantage of the fact that no one knows what you're doing or someone will start noticing what you're doing. That's why the last lady got FIRED. I put that in caps because she claims she resigned, but it's a lie. She sucked. She was dumb. She was dirty. She was old (not in itself a problem, but she made it so). She was let go. I have my own office, I supervise student workers, I have keys to the building and all the doors, I have a voice mail with my name on it, my name is even up on directory that's in a glass case when you walk into the building. I just put AMY, haha. Soon I'll be like Madonna, and Cher, Beck, Beyonce, Bjork, Coolio, Bono and Elvis.
If only it wasn't in North Dakota. Puke. That's a deal breaker, and would have been if I could have found anything in the cities. I guess I did find CC debt collecting, and I almost did it, but I just sort of pretended it wasn't an option and let it pass me by. I did go to the interview and learned some interesting things: If you're ever behind in payments and you've got collectors calling (not the card itself) tell them you've already got a lawyer (give them a random lawyers name from the phone book) and are pursuing bankruptcy. That company will never call again - you might have another company call, but not the same one. Everything they say is a trick to scare you, "Has a law suit every been presented to you in the past?"
Let's see...still mourning Michael Jackson. Just changed my desktop to the lean in Smooth Criminal today. Another awesome thing about having an office...I can decorate it. It still has to be professional obviously, but I could get some nice framed photos of all my favorites. I bought a clock from Office Max that's made out of a recycled Warren Zevon record for $5! Course it doesn't work, which is why it was on clearance, but it looks awesome. Still thinking about what I'm going to substitute for the kids photos everyone always has at their desk. I don't have kids, so who's will I borrow? I thought about MJ's but that's creepy even for me. I think I'll just use the one's that come with the frame and when people ask, are those you're kids? I'll just say no, I don't know who's they are.
I have to go set up a film for one of the professors who isn't here, perhaps I'll think of more to write by the time I'm done.
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