Paris Hilton the Christian of all Christians

I approach the podium and encourage the congregation to be seated. I step away from the podium, carry the microphone down two steps, pace back and forth across the front three times, and then begin by asking:
Did you know that Christians can’t starve to death? Yeah, it says so right here in Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, “Do not take thought for your life, what you will eat, or for your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than its food and your body more than its clothing…Everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and for him who knocks the door will be opened.” People who believe in God can’t starve to death, die of dehydration or exposure; because God not only anticipates their basic needs, but gives them whatever they ask for.
So what does this mean for us, now, as Christians who want to be given more? Well, first of all, it means homeless people aren’t Christians, those children on TV that Sally Struthers begs us to donate money to – not Christians. Secondly, it means that the true Christians, the ones we should be mimicking are those who have been the most blessed and hold the most God-given power: the Hiltons, Trumps, Gates, Bushes, etc. They ask and receive, don’t have to worry about what to wear, what to eat, what to drink, where to sleep; they have been blessed for their sacrifices and praised for their righteousness.
What is it about these people that make them true Christians? What aspects of their behavior are such clear indicators of their faith in God and devotion to the commandments set up by Jesus in his Sermon? Surely they must be perfect in God’s eyes, for he meets their basic needs and grants their every wish.
I will use Paris Hilton as an example, because she has given us many opportunities, daily it would seem, for us to see how to be a true Christian, worthy of God’s blessings. First, Paris never holds a grudge. We see her endless forgiveness in her relationships with other celebrities and with the paparazzi. No matter how many fights she gets into with Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie, she never fails to mention them when giving an interview. She recognizes that even bad publicity is good publicity and so never fails to mention their names and allow them to share in her fame. Then, because she knows the paparazzi are just regular people with irregular jobs, she continues to go out and party with these jealous girls just to give the photographers something to publish, knowing full well she will probably have to do some explaining and apologizing to her family the next day.
Secondly, remember when Brittney Spears shaved her head? It turns out that it was Paris who convinced Spears, after she was divorced, that forgiveness would only come after shedding her hair, the physical manifestation of her sexuality. Spears was so distraught she ran into the salon and shaved her own head. Now look at her just months later, back to her old self, and all because of Paris Hilton. Oh, and we mustn’t forget the video Hilton released that demonstrates exactly how women can best please men! I admire her courage! For only the strongest and bravest can teach.
As if these clear examples are not enough, Paris never swears or lashes out against those who seek to do her harm. When the media mocks her, she doesn’t worry or get even, she simply gives them more ammunition, gives more opportunities to mock her. If only I could be so faithful! She gives to charities in secret, and to make sure her giving nature remains concealed, she pretends to spend the majority of her money on useless commodities like expensive clothes, jewelry and cars. Paris would not be so foolish to stow away her earthly treasures though, so after one use she simply throws her goods away! To fit easily through the narrow gate she eats little and wears even less, showing that the best Christians do not need such trivialities as food and clothing. Paris’ clever integrations of Jesus’ commandments into her daily life are ceaseless and God has blessed her many sacrifices! If only we all would pay closer attention to just what God commands of us, we too would be blessed in the way Paris has been – in need of nothing, making more room for our wants to be presented before God. Unblessed are those who ask and don’t receive, unblessed are those who seek and never find, and unblessed are those who knock but never hear the creak of an opening door. This is our message, and it would serve us all to realize it before it’s too late.